Batman: Cats
by iammemyself
Summary: Person A brings home a stray cat. Person B allows it this one time. Person B comes home the next day to find person A with many stray cats. A Tumblr request.


'Cats'

Characters: Scarecrow, Riddler [Scriddler implied]

Synopsis: Person A brings home a stray cat. Person B allows it this one time. Person B comes home the next day to find person A with many stray cats.

There was a cat in the kitchen.

Jonathan heaved a sigh, draped his coat on the back of one of the chairs, and called out, "Edward!" in a /tone demanding enough it didn't have to be loud. Edward immediately jumped into view. His tie was considerably loosened around his neck and he had rolled up his left sleeve but not his right. "Yes?" he said, in a way that could only be described as 'irritatingly cheerful'. Irritating because Jonathan was not always in the mood to be cheerful and yet it was hard not to be when Edward got like that. Which was often.

"Why is there a cat in here?"

"I'm taking care of her," Edward said, and he picked the cat up from off the tabletop. "Her name is Keltie. I'll keep her handled, don't you worry."

That did not put Jonathan's mind at ease in the slightest, but no doubt this was part of some larger happening and Edward would not be in possession of the animal long. There would be no harm in allowing him to keep it. For now.

* * *

Three days later Jonathan returned to the apartment with a stack of research material to find that the man had acquired even _more_ cats from someplace; how many Jonathan was unsure, but a good number of them, at least seven. "Edward!" he called out, in a tone both demanding and loud. Edward appeared from the other room, wearing nothing but an undershirt and what Jonathan thought were leggings, of course marked with his signature punctuation. It was not the strangest thing Jonathan had seen him wear in his spare time. His butt, however, had hardly looked better in anything else. "Yes?" Edward asked, in that ghastly cheerful way.

Jonathan waved a hand in indication, Keltie climbing over his loafers. "What in the world do you need with all of these cats?"

Edward rubbed at the bottom of his nose, pushing up his glasses while he did so. "They're uh… I'm… doing a favour. For someone."

Even if Edward had not been an awful liar, Jonathan knew full well 'favour' was only a word in his vocabulary when he was getting someone to do one for him. He sighed and sat down in one of the kitchen chairs, picking up the cat somewhat absently as he did so. She was quiet and not fussy, so he didn't mind her all that much. Now, if _he_ were Edward Nygma, what would someone have to ask to get him to take in an ungodly number of cats…

"Are you in a contest with someone in which you try to adopt more cats than the other?"

Keltie kneaded his leg in a not completely uncomfortable way as Edward chewed on the inside of his cheek and said hesitantly, "No…"

Jonathan just stared intently at him. That was usually the fastest route to the truth.

"… it's a bet," Edward finished, and Jonathan shook his head. Edward was so easily baited it was unbelievable.

"You cannot keep them."

"But -"

"No," Jonathan cut in. "You cannot even keep track of _yourself_ sometimes, let alone eleven-odd cats. Tell Catwoman she wins and get rid of them."

"I can't do that!" Edward protested in a panic, stepping forward with his hands starkly spread. "I can't go back and tell her -"

"Then do something else!" Jonathan snapped. Sometimes he had to lose his temper to get Edward to listen, though he wasn't actually doing so at the moment. Petting the cat in his lap was actually surprisingly soothing. But Edward didn't know that. "You cannot keep them. Especially over something this stupid. She fooled you, Edward. Admit it and move on."

"Jonathan, just -"

Jonathan glared at him until he turned around and returned to the other room. Hopefully to put some different clothes on so he could remove the cats. Not that he didn't fully believe Edward would leave the apartment dressed like that; he certainly would if he really wanted to. However, Jonathan hadn't seen him do so yet.

"Not you, though," he murmured to the white cat in his lap. "You can stay."

Keltie purred.

* * *

Within two days Edward had removed the rest of the cats; Jonathan didn't ask and he wasn't sure he wanted to know. Where there was an easy way to do something, Edward more often than not bypassed it with careless abandon and did it the ridiculously complicated way, which often ended in disaster. It was not a trait Jonathan understood, though he did enjoy it immensely. Thinking his way into such messes also meant he had to do so on the way out, and Edward's plans were amusing at worst. As long as he did not drag Jonathan into them, that was.

He hadn't this time, and he returned to the apartment on the second day with gusto, which told Jonathan he had worked out a way to remove the cats elsewhere whilst also engaging in his bet. As if predicting Jonathan's thoughts he declared, "I've found someone to take care of the cats for me _and_ acquire more. Selina will definitely _not_ be outdoing me on this one."

Jonathan was sitting at his desk in the other room, and he exchanged a look with the cat sitting on top of it. For whatever reason Edward's mind was simply not making the connection that there _was_ no bet; Catwoman had merely used the premise of competition to enlist his help in aiding Gotham's population of stray cats. He was brilliant, and undoubtedly so, but _God_ he was blind sometimes.

"That sounds a little… duplicitous," Jonathan said carefully. One couldn't accuse Edward outright of cheating without driving him into an indignant rage, and Jonathan simply didn't have the energy to deal with that just then. He did, however, want to plant the idea in Edward's head that the bet was silly and his method of winning it was even moreso. And Edward reacted as he'd wanted: he sat down at the end of the bed and chewed on the inside of his lip.

"I… you could say that, I suppose."

"She tricked you. You know that."

He wrinkled that splendid little nose of his. "Well… yes, but it's too late for that now. Besides. She didn't say I had to care for the cats _myself_."

"All right," Jonathan said serenely, and he turned over the page in his book, more to make a point than anything else. He hadn't actually finished reading the page previous. "I just thought you'd like to know."

"Look, trick or no trick, I'm still going to win. And now I have _this_ cat for – " He stopped when Keltie got up, avoiding his reach, and jumped into Jonathan's lap. Jonathan tried very hard to hide his amusement.

"Oh, you didn't know? This is _my_ cat."

"Are you kidding me?" Edward demanded, throwing up his gloved hands. "You don't even _like_ cats! Why in heaven's name are you saying that?"

"I like _this_ cat."

Edward growled in frustration and stormed out of the room, and now Jonathan did smile and slide his hand into Keltie's fur.

He wasn't being serious, but Edward didn't need to know that right now. Edward's frustration on frivolous matters was always entertaining, and now he would witness it a second time when he eventually told him he had no desire for full ownership of the cat in his lap. But later. Edward was going to be needlessly angry for some time and it was too amusing to put an end to just yet.

As long as Edward did not go out and procure an additional cat for himself, that was…


End file.
